so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
