Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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