Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
