You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
