Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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