I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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