So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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