My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
