my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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