i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
