I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
