Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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