At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
