i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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