is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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