and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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