she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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