Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
