I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
