i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
