My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
