Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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