Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
why do cheetos always look like penises
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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