and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
