you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
