im holly from the hills drunk
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
