I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
