I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
