Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
