she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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