Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
