it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I love having hate sex.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
