Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
