I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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