I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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