GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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