Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
as a side note pls kill me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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