I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
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u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
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Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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