How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
