Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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