1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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