Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
