Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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