sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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