Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
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Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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