I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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