May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
