I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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