Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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