It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
