My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
