This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
