You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
