Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
im holly from the hills drunk
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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