My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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