Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
